I seem to have left my pride at pride
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
