Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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