i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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