Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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