Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
