Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
