I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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