What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
