don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
