The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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