Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
...so i touched it.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
