Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
