We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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