my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
