Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
