dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
