every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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