dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
