I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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