Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The dick lei will go down in squad history
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
