Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This baby is an asshole
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
