eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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