I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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