I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
