i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
