When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you didnt know i had herpes?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
