i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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