I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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