I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
