I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
