I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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