someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
