How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
