i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
