YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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