I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
