remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
