if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
