sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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