Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
