Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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