I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
