Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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