Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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