my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my being single is dangerous.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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