even my farts smell like vagina
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
