your parents love me but you hate me
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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