If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
