I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
