I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
