I am spending my child support on dildos
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
