And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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