Don't you send me to vm
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
