just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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